I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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