I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
