I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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