Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
