i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
