Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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