I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize