omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
