I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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