Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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