Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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