i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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