Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
