i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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