I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
