I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
