New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
