Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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