How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
