I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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