All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize