I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
