apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
