I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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