Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
