It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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