I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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