there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize