your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
