We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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