Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize