my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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