ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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