you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Two words: blizzard sex
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
