I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
