i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
