her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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