soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
