Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize