The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
