I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
