I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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