i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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