saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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