I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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