I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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