this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
