Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize