Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
