I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
