you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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