I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
