I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
