My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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