Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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