Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
