Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
