its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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