I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
